| By :
Mark Etinger
Reality TV has become a better depiction of reality than the real world. I don't believe something is real unless it has corporate sponsorship. That is why I was so happy when Hoarders took the air followed by Animal Hoarders. Hoarding is a psychological disorder which renders a person incapable of junk removal. They need to hold on to every last bit of trash. Hoarding is the official disease of The Home Depot. Some of you may remember other disease-corporate partnerships such as McDonald's sponsorship of obesity and Philip Morris' sponsorship of lung cancer. Now that we have established that Hoarding is a real disease let's talk treatment options. One thing you can do is buy the hoarder in question a ticket to any number of fabulous American cruises. Try to find something geared to their interests. If they are single, send them on a singles cruise, if they are gay send them on a gay party boat, if they are old send them on one of those boring Alaskan Cruises. While they are off enjoying the high seas you can call a junk removal service and take the junk out of their house. Make sure the debris removal crew also gives the place a through disinfecting. There are going to be a lot of nasty germs lying around. This is especially true if they are an animal hoarder. 14 pounds of cat feces and 4 dead cats are liable to make someone very sick unless they are disinfected. Chances are you will need furniture removal done as well. Once that dead cat smell gets into a couch it is hard to get out. Even the most experienced rubbish removal crew may not be able to salvage that 40 year old couch. If you can't afford to send your favorite hoarder on a cruise you are going to need to coerce them the old fashioned way. Home Depot's parent company owns a number of prisons. I am sure if hoarder in question chooses to invoke their constitutional right not to have their home cleaned by a rubbish removal crew, you can arrange to have them jailed. Don't worry it won't be scary Oz jail, more like cushy Bernie Madoff jail. And when they get out they will have a clean home to return to. The last thing you will need is to get the person therapy. Hoarding is a psychological disorder so it's either that or keeping the person sedated with strong drugs. The choice is yours (maybe consult a doctor?).
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